Happy Birthday, Miss QT, wherever you are.
Love, Spectral Visionary
For those of you who don't know, which would be everyone in the world minus 2, Miss QT was a college friend of mine whom I'd met because she called herself "Miss QT" on her Vax account at Virginia Tech. Most people used their real names, of course, but some of us used different names. It turns out she chose that name so her printouts would be put in the "Q" bin, which was otherwise empty, instead of the "L" bin, which was always stuffed with printouts. I was originally "Spectral Visionary" and used a couple of other names, but eventually settled on "Concept Junkie", a name that I can't take the credit for making up, but have been using for over 20 years now.
Dear Fat Fingers,
Here's to sine waves in the snow and Hawaiian pizza, watching the Lipizzaners but missing "Brazil".
Modron B Prime
Anyhow, the story goes that I IM'ed Miss QT (using VMS send, the 1980's equivalent of IM) and asked "G, R U really a QT?". I wish I had her exact response, because it was a classic, but it was something to the effect of, "If I said no, you'd think I was being too modest, and if I said yes, you'd think I was full of myself."
Eventually we met in person in class in Norris 236 and we became good friends. Anyhow, I've kept up with some of my college friends, but I've lost track of Miss QT. When we lived in Alexandria, she lived nearby and we visited several times, and she even became friends with my darling Provazolezec, but eventually her husband's career in the Navy took them to far off places. I always remembered that her birthday was exactly 3 weeks before mine.
Do you remember when I tricked you into thinking I was shutting down the Vax?
I'd found a script that mimicked the Vax shutdown sequence, so wrote a wrapper around it that I could use to pretend I was logging on as an admin and shutting down the computer, which if it were real, would have shut out dozens of people from doing their work. Miss QT was quite panicked when she fell for my little joke and I imagine the other folks in the lab were looking at us wondering what was going on.
Akiro would love to wish Eigen a Happy Birthday and many returns, and will celebrate by listening to music with many whining guitars.
p.s. Blind Bill says "Hi!"
Monday, March 10, 2008
Sunday, January 06, 2008
LOLcats
Sometimes an Internet meme rolls around that is silly, pointless and even stupid, but I still think it's neat. These days it's LOLcats. There are a number of disparate influences behind this phenomenon, but it amounts to this: Captioning pictures of cats in a childish, misspelled style, often about the acquisition of "cheezbrgrs".
The canonical example is a very cute kitten that looks very sad with the caption, "I made you a cookie... but I eated it." This fad has become big enough to merit mentions in "legitimate" media, and has now reached the logical zenith of all such fads.
I don't know why these amuse me, but they do. Here are a couple I contributed on a site with tons of amusing examples:
And of course, it's not limited to cats:
In fact, there's a whole sub-meme about walruses and buckets. It's a strange world. Go figure.
And yes, I looked it up later and now realize a skink is actually a kind of lizard.
The canonical example is a very cute kitten that looks very sad with the caption, "I made you a cookie... but I eated it." This fad has become big enough to merit mentions in "legitimate" media, and has now reached the logical zenith of all such fads.
I don't know why these amuse me, but they do. Here are a couple I contributed on a site with tons of amusing examples:
And of course, it's not limited to cats:
In fact, there's a whole sub-meme about walruses and buckets. It's a strange world. Go figure.
And yes, I looked it up later and now realize a skink is actually a kind of lizard.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Whom We Elect
As I look at the lackluster, third-string run of candidates running for President, I am certain that 2008 will be yet another year of voting for the Lesser of Two Evils... and probably not lesser by much. However, in the spirit of boundless optimism (which is sorely needed right about now), I realized that there are some pretty constant qualities in the candidates who actually win.
Americans elect Presidents with the following qualities:
1. Charisma - We want our President to be a nice guy who seems like someone you'd like to have dinner with. We want someone who is charming, but not to the point of seeming fake. A good President is an orator who can make you feel good, and be able to tell you a story that might bring tears to your eyes. A good President makes you want to take charge and fix problems rather than wait for someone else to do it.
2. Likable - All the smarts in the world aren't going to win you the Oval Office if you're a jerk, or if you act like you're smarter than everyone (even if you are, which is actually a good thing). We don't want a soft or weak President, but we do want a President who can be nice. We want someone who laughs spontaneously, speaks off the cuff, make jokes and is occasionally willing to make fun of himself or herself, and yet can get up and make an inspiring speech. We do not want a President who is vindictive, easy to anger or just plain grouchy.
3. At least one "everyman" feature - Bush likes to work on his ranch, Clinton liked fast food, Carter used to be a farmer, Reagan played cowboys in the movies, even Nixon had his dog Checkers. We want a President who has as least some aspects that he or she shares with the common man that has nothing to do with politics. It's easy to tell when someone is faking this, and that kind of patronizing is worse than arrogance. We want someone who takes his job seriously but does not take himself too seriously. We want someone who does not act like he or she is above everyone else, even if it's true.
4. Optimistic - The U.S. President must be optimistic about America and must believe that it is the greatest country on Earth, despite its problems and flaws. The U.S. President must be willing to say about any problem, "This can be fixed and here's how we are going to do it." The U.S. President must be able to make us feel optimistic about the future, by convincing us how we can, and must, improve our country.
5. Prior executive experience - This is absolutely an imperative in my mind. We have had many Governors and Generals as President and very few Senators. There's a reason for that. The Presidency is not an entry-level executive position and anyone who hasn't run a state, a large company, a military branch, or something equivalent, has no business even running for the Oval Office. Vice-presidents count, obviously.
Look at every election for the past few decades and the winner always had more of these qualities than the loser. Fortunately, for the sake of the country, Hillary Clinton has _none_ of these qualities. Plus her speaking voice causes intestinal cramps, or at least it does for me. Four years of that shrill, nasal whining and we might just turn into France. And even _France_ isn't France these days.
p.s. I actually think Ron Paul is a very principled person... in fact the only consistently principled person on the Republican side. I don't agree with everything he stands for, especially his call to immediately withdraw from Iraq, but on the other hand, he's the only candidate who actually seems to stand for what he believes and to believe in what he stands for, and makes decisions based on conservative and libertarian principles and not based on which lobbyist he has last spoken with or what he thinks his current audience wants to hear. Given the way the major candidates and the media is shutting him out, it seems they recognize it too. I'd say the same for Kucinich on the Democrat side, except that he's completely wrong about almost everything. Of course, neither one of them stand a chance.
Americans elect Presidents with the following qualities:
1. Charisma - We want our President to be a nice guy who seems like someone you'd like to have dinner with. We want someone who is charming, but not to the point of seeming fake. A good President is an orator who can make you feel good, and be able to tell you a story that might bring tears to your eyes. A good President makes you want to take charge and fix problems rather than wait for someone else to do it.
2. Likable - All the smarts in the world aren't going to win you the Oval Office if you're a jerk, or if you act like you're smarter than everyone (even if you are, which is actually a good thing). We don't want a soft or weak President, but we do want a President who can be nice. We want someone who laughs spontaneously, speaks off the cuff, make jokes and is occasionally willing to make fun of himself or herself, and yet can get up and make an inspiring speech. We do not want a President who is vindictive, easy to anger or just plain grouchy.
3. At least one "everyman" feature - Bush likes to work on his ranch, Clinton liked fast food, Carter used to be a farmer, Reagan played cowboys in the movies, even Nixon had his dog Checkers. We want a President who has as least some aspects that he or she shares with the common man that has nothing to do with politics. It's easy to tell when someone is faking this, and that kind of patronizing is worse than arrogance. We want someone who takes his job seriously but does not take himself too seriously. We want someone who does not act like he or she is above everyone else, even if it's true.
4. Optimistic - The U.S. President must be optimistic about America and must believe that it is the greatest country on Earth, despite its problems and flaws. The U.S. President must be willing to say about any problem, "This can be fixed and here's how we are going to do it." The U.S. President must be able to make us feel optimistic about the future, by convincing us how we can, and must, improve our country.
5. Prior executive experience - This is absolutely an imperative in my mind. We have had many Governors and Generals as President and very few Senators. There's a reason for that. The Presidency is not an entry-level executive position and anyone who hasn't run a state, a large company, a military branch, or something equivalent, has no business even running for the Oval Office. Vice-presidents count, obviously.
Look at every election for the past few decades and the winner always had more of these qualities than the loser. Fortunately, for the sake of the country, Hillary Clinton has _none_ of these qualities. Plus her speaking voice causes intestinal cramps, or at least it does for me. Four years of that shrill, nasal whining and we might just turn into France. And even _France_ isn't France these days.
p.s. I actually think Ron Paul is a very principled person... in fact the only consistently principled person on the Republican side. I don't agree with everything he stands for, especially his call to immediately withdraw from Iraq, but on the other hand, he's the only candidate who actually seems to stand for what he believes and to believe in what he stands for, and makes decisions based on conservative and libertarian principles and not based on which lobbyist he has last spoken with or what he thinks his current audience wants to hear. Given the way the major candidates and the media is shutting him out, it seems they recognize it too. I'd say the same for Kucinich on the Democrat side, except that he's completely wrong about almost everything. Of course, neither one of them stand a chance.
Saturday, September 08, 2007
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Are you ready for parenthood?
I have four lovely children who are a real treasure in my life and I wouldn't trade them for anything. Well, maybe some peace, quiet and sanity. Wait, that's what I traded for them in the first place. No, I really wouldn't trade them for anything. It's been the toughest job I've ever loved, and every day brings me a new wonder from these four little people (well, not so little) who have elbowed their way into my life and heart.
I've been a parent for more than 13 years and it might be a good idea to share some of my accumulated experience to you younger folks who are new to parenting, or haven't even started yet. After all, if you don't listen to your elders, you can never benefit from their experience, and they're going to keep blabbing on any way, so you might as well listen in case something useful comes out.
Today it occurred to me that some of you might be wondering whether it's time to stop being arrested adolescents, stop living solely for your own benefit, and have something to do with your spare time other than gaze lovingly at each other over dinner out. Three times a week. At places that don't have children's menus.
I'm talking procreation here. Cooperating with the Good Lord in the only real act of creation that still goes on, that of a new soul... or more specifically, giving it a place to live in a wrinkled little pink thing that looks like Winston Churchill and won't stop crying for anything, at least until the grandparents show up, just to make you look like an idiot.
In other words, are you ready to have kids?
Well, here I've created a handy checklist. You need to ask yourself, "Am I ready and willing to do all of these things?" If you are hesitant, for any reason, you should think twice about loosing your progeny upon this crazy world.
Anyhow, these activities represent things that will undoubtedly happen to you at some time or another, so it's better to be prepared than to be caught by surprise. These are all things, or approximations of things, that have actually happened to me, so I know what of I speak. Please note, some of these get a little gross. We are talking about children here. They are hard-wired by billions of years of evolution to do some really disgusting things, often in a surprisingly large radius. You have been warned.
Rick's List of Things You Should Be Willing to Do If You Want to Be A Parent
You have been warned.
I've been a parent for more than 13 years and it might be a good idea to share some of my accumulated experience to you younger folks who are new to parenting, or haven't even started yet. After all, if you don't listen to your elders, you can never benefit from their experience, and they're going to keep blabbing on any way, so you might as well listen in case something useful comes out.
Today it occurred to me that some of you might be wondering whether it's time to stop being arrested adolescents, stop living solely for your own benefit, and have something to do with your spare time other than gaze lovingly at each other over dinner out. Three times a week. At places that don't have children's menus.
I'm talking procreation here. Cooperating with the Good Lord in the only real act of creation that still goes on, that of a new soul... or more specifically, giving it a place to live in a wrinkled little pink thing that looks like Winston Churchill and won't stop crying for anything, at least until the grandparents show up, just to make you look like an idiot.
In other words, are you ready to have kids?
Well, here I've created a handy checklist. You need to ask yourself, "Am I ready and willing to do all of these things?" If you are hesitant, for any reason, you should think twice about loosing your progeny upon this crazy world.
Anyhow, these activities represent things that will undoubtedly happen to you at some time or another, so it's better to be prepared than to be caught by surprise. These are all things, or approximations of things, that have actually happened to me, so I know what of I speak. Please note, some of these get a little gross. We are talking about children here. They are hard-wired by billions of years of evolution to do some really disgusting things, often in a surprisingly large radius. You have been warned.
Rick's List of Things You Should Be Willing to Do If You Want to Be A Parent
- Let's get it out of the way first. Take a poop on the floor. Go ahead. Drop trou, squat down and lay a nice big one on the carpet. You are not allowed to look for a nice uncluttered piece of linoleum, just go right there in the center of the room, preferably in a high-traffic area. You think that's bad? Now step in it and walk around. (I told you this would be tough.)
- Take ten objects that you treasure, regardless of their value, in monetary or sentimental terms. Arrange them in a nice row in front of you. Selecting at random, do the following: Drop one in a bucket of water. Smash one into pieces, not small enough to just throw away, but too small to easily fix with glue. Throw a third in the trash. You are not allowed alternate choices.
- Drop a bowl of food on the floor.
- Take three alarm clocks. Set them all to some time between midnight and 6 a.m., preferably different times every day. Put them in another room, so you'll have to get up to turn them off. Do this for a month straight. Take turns if you want. It's fun.
- On one occasion when you wake up in the middle of the night for an alarm, take a bag of flour or something else that weighs several pounds. Set the kitchen timer for 45 minutes. Walk around the house carrying the bag of flour for the whole time. You may talk to it, or sing to it. You may not use foul language. You may not give up early and make biscuits.
- Stand up in the middle of church, or some other place where some decorum is observed, and start screaming for several seconds. Walk out with an embarrassed look on your face. For bonus points, throw up first.
- Drop a bowl of food on the floor.
- Just once, drop everything you are doing at some random time, preferably when it causes real inconvenience. Rush to the emergency room. Wait around for four hours, and then watch someone get stitches. Up close. Help hold the patient down if necessary.
- Take some crayons and draw a nice picture. On the wall. If you mess up, just move a few feet and start over. If you're having trouble, books offer lots more room for practice.
- Buy three story books. Read each of them out loud once a night for a year. Try not to get bored.
- This one involves a friend, or your spouse, although he or she might not be a friend afterwards. Ask your friend, at some time in the next couple days, when you aren't looking, or perhaps aren't even awake, do one of the following: a.) Dump a box of wooden blocks over your head. b.) Run up out of the blue and kick you in a very tender or sensitive region. c.) Give you an uppercut to the jaw., or d.) Throw up on you.
- Turn on all the lights in your house. Leave them on for an entire month. You can only turn off lights in a room you are currently in. If you leave the room, you must turn them back on.
- At least once, when you park your car in a public place, walk off without closing one of the doors.
- Drop a bowl of food on the floor.
- Ask your spouse to announce suddenly one day, ten minutes before he or she needs to go somewhere important, that he or she has either no clean underwear, pants or shoes. And I mean "not clean" as in "not currently wearable, period". Improvise if necessary.
- Drink a very large glass of water. Watch TV for a couple hours straight. Don't miss a second of what's on, even the commercials. You know what I mean.
- If you have a computer, smear jelly on your hands. Then use it. Make sure to touch the monitor repeatedly. Don't clean the gunk out of the mouse.
- Punch or kick a hole in the wall. Then patch it. Try to make it not noticeable when you are finished. Pretty hard, huh?
- Another time in the parking lot, throw your car door open with excessive force. Give yourself bonus points if you are parked next to a Mercedes. Write a nice note apologizing to the owner and leave your contact information.
- Drop a bowl of food on the floor.
- Dump a large bucket of water on the floor. Or perhaps on a piece of furniture. Give it a few minutes to soak in before cleaning it up. Don't forget, things get moldy if they aren't thoroughly dried.
- Buy a video tape or DVD of a TV show or movie. It doesn't matter which one. Play it a couple times a day for three months straight. Keep it turned up loud. Don't switch to a different one. Shows with annoying, nasal-talking puppets give bonus points, but you are by no means required to choose them.
- Pick a day and start throwing Hot Wheels around the room for several minutes. Do not attempt to avoid walls, windows or siblings.
- If you live in an apartment or other high-density housing, turn up the TV unreasonably loud. Late at night. Then leave for an hour. While this isn't quite as annoying to neighbors as an extended bout of colic, it can be quite effective.
- Drop a bowl of food on the floor.
You have been warned.
Simpsonized
You can go to this site upload a photo and become Simpsonized. I have to say that I am fairly impressed by how the process works. It works better for some faces than others, but it always manages to be somewhere in the ballpark. There are some non-trivial analysis algorithms going on and I have to say it's one of the neatest things I've seen online in a while.
Of course, I had to Simpsonize all of us, and here we are:
Of course, I had to Simpsonize all of us, and here we are:
Sunday, July 29, 2007
A Random Thought
Having had worked at AOL for 15 agonizing months, I was familiarized with some of the casual dress styles among the younger set. In particular I noticed the increasing preponderance of facial hardware, which has actually been popular for quite a few years. I was reminded of this last night seeing a striking young lady (well, another one besides Provazolezec) at the movie theater with a minute little nose stud affixed to the side of her schnozz.
Here's a note to the practitioners of piercing from someone who is older than you and whose opinion probably is of no value to you, but it will be expressed anyhow: You look ridiculous. What form of self-hatred could possibly inspire you to puncture your face and inflict it with what must surely be painful metal objects that make you look more like some kind of toolshop appliance than a human being? Trust me, to almost everyone over 30 (and probably a lot of people under 30) it's like a walking IQ test, each item dropping to the total by 10 or 20 points. If the piercing is inside your mouth, that's 50 points off the top. I'd love to see what would happen if someone fired up a big electromagnet nearby. It reminds me of a scene from "Heartbreak Ridge" where Clint Eastwood expresses his opinion of earrings in the military... ouch!
What I find even more hilarious is those women who want to join the bandwagon with those relatively conservative little metal nose studs that are often affixed by neodymium magnets. You should certainly be commended for your restraint from self-mutilation, but I hate to break it to you ladies, instead of a nose stud, you in fact look like you have a huge blackhead on the side of your face. A blackhead that may occasionally sparkle, but the overall effect is a need for Clearasil and a good scrubbing, which is probably not the intended effect.
Now I realize that the flows and eddies of adolescent hormonal changes lead many of us to engage in various "non-standard" or even "shocking" styles of self-expression in an attempt to establish an identity among the throngs of humanity, the rest of us see these piercings for what they are, lock-step conformity and complete silliness, and we laugh at you from behind your backs. I don't say this to mock you, just to tip you off to the truth. You look like idiots. Is it worth all the redness, swelling and infections?
p.s. Tattoos send pretty much the same message, that is "I'm too stupid or too lazy to come up with a unique way to express myself, so I will just put graffiti on my body."
p.p.s. We saw "The Simpsons Movie", it was great.
Here's a note to the practitioners of piercing from someone who is older than you and whose opinion probably is of no value to you, but it will be expressed anyhow: You look ridiculous. What form of self-hatred could possibly inspire you to puncture your face and inflict it with what must surely be painful metal objects that make you look more like some kind of toolshop appliance than a human being? Trust me, to almost everyone over 30 (and probably a lot of people under 30) it's like a walking IQ test, each item dropping to the total by 10 or 20 points. If the piercing is inside your mouth, that's 50 points off the top. I'd love to see what would happen if someone fired up a big electromagnet nearby. It reminds me of a scene from "Heartbreak Ridge" where Clint Eastwood expresses his opinion of earrings in the military... ouch!
What I find even more hilarious is those women who want to join the bandwagon with those relatively conservative little metal nose studs that are often affixed by neodymium magnets. You should certainly be commended for your restraint from self-mutilation, but I hate to break it to you ladies, instead of a nose stud, you in fact look like you have a huge blackhead on the side of your face. A blackhead that may occasionally sparkle, but the overall effect is a need for Clearasil and a good scrubbing, which is probably not the intended effect.
Now I realize that the flows and eddies of adolescent hormonal changes lead many of us to engage in various "non-standard" or even "shocking" styles of self-expression in an attempt to establish an identity among the throngs of humanity, the rest of us see these piercings for what they are, lock-step conformity and complete silliness, and we laugh at you from behind your backs. I don't say this to mock you, just to tip you off to the truth. You look like idiots. Is it worth all the redness, swelling and infections?
p.s. Tattoos send pretty much the same message, that is "I'm too stupid or too lazy to come up with a unique way to express myself, so I will just put graffiti on my body."
p.p.s. We saw "The Simpsons Movie", it was great.
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